My Soul Self Current mood: content
You know I cut my hair. Lol ...TMI right?
I did it about 9 months ago to about my ears and let my locs start over from my new growth. Something just wasn't right with them, seemed like I was covering up something.
Let me explain that a bit. A few years ago a dear friend of mine started my locs they got about ear length and I cut them cause poor lil ole me couldnt find a regular day job. You know enuff to pay the rent. So instead I cut it off and got a perm. Sure did ......a perm. I ain't knocking perms cause I dig em ok?
For the past few years I wore my hair either shoulder length perm or braided. One day I had had enough of the madness and decided lto eave the braids in and start locking from there. I remembered what Ms. Deana Dawn told me about how to keep them neat what to do... all of that. That was two years ago and finally when I could take the length of the perm on my hair no longer and the naps underneath together I got up one Sunday morning and cut it off to my new locs!
Can I say I was scared? I was cause my whole life I had been used to being measured as a person by my weight, my skin color, my beauty instead of my "Self" my SOUL SELF as I call her.
Let me tell you something. It was the best decision I ever made. My hair is healthy and flourishiing and growing and strong and I don't have to make appointments to get it permed, cut, wrapped or braided. I love it. I'm free.
That takes me to the real point of this post.
In my cutting of my hair to me it was like exposing the real Y've Kemp....Ms. Yvette yeah her. There was no hair to hide behind. There were no curls to swing with batting eyelashes just this mop of hair looking like a throwback from well.....a mop.
Always so fearful of what people thought of me that morning when I cut that mess off my head I was cutting the chains of bondage from momma who told me I was to dark and wouldnt be able to marry a good man cause I could not pass like my sister, I was cutting off the chains of why my singing career had not done what I felt that it should have done and blaming me and others for that, I cut off chains of self hatred for who God had really made me to be. As I stood there with a bag at the sink cutting away I saw years of abuse on my permed ends not on my hair but the abuse I had put on me.
There were signs of depression, self hatred, self mutilation in the form of one diet after another and one too many trips to the gym that I thought would change my life if I could drop a few more pounds. Hey and that one from the kitchen way in the back of my head?......thats where the real mess was.....the lack of forgiveness of myself and others,... the desire to change my body again.......the fear of being alone.....all of that mess I was cutting off and it was so freeing.
Interesting to note with that cutting that morning it was a ceremony of the new me that was there really all the time. It was a celebration of , "Hey I'm here,...just like this.... an entrepreneur, a mother, a loving friend." Ok so I'm short and my hair is nappy and yes I may be a bit on the thick side ....but I've discovered happiness.
For the first time I could see my children and they astonish me as I teach them. They are reflections of me and I can tell they love themselves very much. The baby girl Lili oh a joy each time she plays with her toys or is learning a new word. We discuss what is on their minds, how to be constructive in daily challenges and how to be your own boss. Not "what color weave are you going to pick out to go with that outfit so you can look good next week for school" Nah never. The best jewels God ever gave anyone was another soul to teach cause in the teaching you get some learnin". Children.
With this new found freedom I see and hear things differently too. Like the new album. I told Monyea I wanted to do a gospel album. He was like ok cool Im down with whateva. Well he sent me tracks and I could hear nothing that was remotely what our culture calls gospel. So I put on my old songs and my first album. I learned something ...what I was saying in those songs that I wrote with Miko was GOSPEL to whomever needed to get something out of it at that time in their lives. So I decided to stop denying what I hear in my head and let it come out and touch who it needs to. That said......Monyea I'm still writin baby!
Along the way I started writing other stuff too like children's books. Based on Lili. It was a joke at first to chronicle her learning and living and doing what three year olds do but then all of a sudden I realised someone could use this, some little person could relate to going to day care or having fun at a carnival. To really understand it all check out her site that Im still working on. It's helping me deal with her development and loving her right where she is for who she is. Like I would want someone to do for me.
www.liliandfriends.com.
A dear friend of mine stopped by the other day and told me something that I needed to hear. "You look like you are so at peace."
I am.
For all that life has offered me I can truly say I am happy to be me, expressing my soulself and my children and my books and my songs and my photos and my sketches ....everything that makes me me. At this stage in my life I don't need a record deal or a grammy or a stage full of folk to tell me how wonderful I sound or how beautiful I am. I don't need an entourage of people lying to me so they can feed their families. I like my circle of friends cause those are the people that give it to me straight no chaser and I do the same for them.
We in my circle are no longer in a stage of "Arrested Development" we are here right now living, loving, and creating memories to remember.
What does this mean for a new album and more books? A lot. Cause they will be better. I am no longer asking myself the question...."Are You There Yet?" which talked about self love and men probs and all that and finding your place .......I found it.
Now that dont mean I aint on another journey of self development and growth. Nah not at all it just shows Ive grown which Im hoping we all do.
So a toast to all of the folks out there who are discovering and celebrating their soul selves.....................
Let the church say
AMEN!
Till another day
Peace and Love
Yve (From my myspace.com/yvekemp site)
PS I thought this would be a good way to get started